swt snwy tmbs

new years eve & 1st jan. 2014

spent most of new years eve trying to forget it was new years eve. C invited me over to his but it was 10pm before i decided to accept bc we’ve never met before and i am scared as hell of cute boys from the internet. on the 40 minute drive his car smelled of cherries and he talked so fast. it struck midnight before we got to his house, fireworks lit up both sides of the m3. we didn’t look at each other properly until we got inside his kitchen and he handed me a glass of wine. so handsome with his hair pushed back, tall and dressed so well.black hawaiian shirt. dark blue jacket over the top. jeans rolled up at the ends. black boots. dark hair dark eyes white wine. progressed upstairs, watching adventure time and he gave me that massage he promised. of course he did. why do i always end up fucking with cartoons as background noise. he is the most attentive and talented sexual partner i’ve had. his hand movements perfect; tender, seeking and brutal, ate like he was starving and our body parts fit together arguing in shape with the most illustrious movement i’ve felt. made me beg to cum. i can’t remember if it was three or four or five times split between evening and morning. i love his acne and that he’s not like me. he held me so nicely. that was the worst part. once i left the absence of a body would fix itself inside me like a shadowless plague. i am writing this now to try and get a grip on how i’m feeling. i am so disassociative i need to find myself. i used to be able to sleep with boys and not give them a second thought, i didn’t have time when they fell to my feet i didn’t know what it was to truly love. but now i do. i have that kind of love for myself. the kind i only previously reserved for Z and now i can’t stop thinking why is no one in love with me like i am? is Z still in love with me? does it matter? of course it does. they looked me in the eye and told me it was going to be that way forever, no closure, remember? this year i want to feel again. truly feel. sit myself in a bathtub full of lovefeeling for months and months or forever. i’ll pray to whichever goddesses will give me their blessing please oh please just give me your blessing

you had grown into your face since the last time

your body large, you felt inescapable just like i wanted

six bruises on my breasts and not one i expected

tory boy your company exhausts but between my thighs it is welcome

went to a bar w people last night and there i saw this older guy who i had an intense crush on for like… 2 years… in high school. like the kind of crush where you don’t even want them to look at you bc they’re too hot and if they enter the room you have to like hide or leave. we never spoke once at skool. but like i just went up to him and was said hey didn’t you go to carisbrooke and idk we were talking for like 5 mins n he just asked me for my number. 15 yr old me would probably piss but i didn’t feel a thing abt it even though he’s even hotter now. idk. i kind of feel obligated to 15 yr old me to frick the hell out of him 

bein the only kid from my school who is still in love with you

one day we will wake up after early hours of jumbled embrace and i will leave you at the station like always and we’ll swear to keep in contact whilst looking each other in the eyes or maybe with me rustling in my bag to find change more regularly except we won’t and this one time will be the very last time

every bus ride home i get a desperate and hollow punching to the gut, my brain reminding me i still do not have any pictures of you or us, not one

and one day i will wake up and someone will call. or i’ll read about it on the fucking posts to your wall or i won’t know until someone who knows what we are asks me how i am how do i feel now you’re gone and they hope i’m okay they are sorry i had to find out like this but would there even be a better way